I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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