Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
