My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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