last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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