The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
