It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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