Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
