I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
where are my eyebrows?
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