omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
