mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
