Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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