I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
