on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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