I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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