Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
