I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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