nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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