Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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