You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize