life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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