Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
