Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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