i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
