I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
