so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
