She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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