I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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