george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
