I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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