he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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