Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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