Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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