...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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