I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
