just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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