You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
