Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
