Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
