I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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