We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
