I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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