i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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