24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
