I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
