I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
