I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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