I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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