Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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