my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
