so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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