This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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