I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
