i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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