I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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