i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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